Fashion for Charity

This week (for those of you not following along on Twitter) we did an APW How-To shoot on Maddie’s pony farm. (I know. Most days as a blogger and writer are not terrifically glamorous, but every so often it’s all ponies and eyeliner) And during that day I got to hang out extensively with Chloe Jackman. She was one of our models, but she also happens to be APW’s newest Bay Area Photography sponsor. (And y’all, we literally have not had a new Bay Area Photography sponsor in YEARS!) So the first thing I want to tell you about Chloe, before we get to her completely impressive talent, is how effing fun she is to hang out with. How she’s a ball of hilarious energy. During the shoot, I’d be sitting there with my eyes closed, sitting very still getting my makeup done, and I’d hear Chloe making a joke, and say, “Wha???? Someone tell me what she’s saying!” Because I wanted in on it. The idea of having her hanging around on my wedding day is such a good idea I can’t even stand it.

But the second thing I want to tell you about Chloe is that she’s particularly, and uniquely, talented at doing the most amazing photo shoot portraits of you, with killer lighting, in the same two-second time period you’d normally be getting snap-and-go wedding group shots. Seriously. I’ve never seen anything like it. But first, a story. For the past year, I’ve been complaining that the wedding industry pushes photographers to look to the new breed of “superstar wedding photographers” (sigh) for inspiration, which ends up with a whole lot of photography that looks more or less the same. So one day, when I was flipping through Vogue (yes, I do that!) I looked up and said, “Why don’t more photographers try to be like the modern greats, for goodness sake! Like Annie Leibovitz?” So somehow, yesterday, I found myself modeling with Chloe, in the middle of a sawdust barn at Maddie’s house, taking photos with a giant shovel, while Chloe climbed a ladder in a long dress and flexed her biceps. It was amazing. It was super fun, super easy,φορεματα

galajurken

and I felt like me having the most fun I’d ever had on film. I felt totally like myself, but also a little bit like I might be a model for Vogue (which I’ll take, please and thank you).

And then we all retired to Maddie’s living room to swill cold Cokes and chat, and Chloe started talking about her work. We started talking about her love of photojournalism, but also her love of getting a posed shot RIGHT, and how she’d spent the last few years teaching herself everything she needed to know about lighting to take the best posed shots she possibly could. I nodded, and then she showed me this:

And this: (I know.)

And here is the funny thing.abendkleider

hääpuvut The one thing I’d totally screwed up on with our wedding photography (actually, this is possibly the only thing I’ll really point to as having screwed up on the whole wedding) was not paying any attention to group shots. I knew, in my head, that I had to do group shots with family and friends, but I didn’t want to do them. I was super focused on candid art shots and photojournalism, and figured I’d never frame the group shots anyway, so they didn’t matter. WRONG. So, I rushed our (amazing) photographers through our group shots, and as a result, they look rushed, and I look like I don’t want to be there. And guess what? When we go to see family, what do they have framed? It’s not the amazing artistic candids that I have framed. It’s the group shots. The pictures I rushed through, and hence don’t like. Mistake, y’all.

So I was crazy excited to talk to Chloe Jackman about her particular talent, and a skill set that I’ve rarely seen in wedding photography. This is a woman who can knock out pro-lighting in her sleep, and get you group photos that you’ll be crazy proud of to see on your Grandma’s wall, because they’re art. And she can do it fast, and then move on to her other core skill, wedding photojournalism, and capture the heck out of your wedding day. She told me, “I’m thrilled to offer my clients a dynamic, editorial style that is fused with a photo journalistic approach,” which is exactly what she does. All while making you laugh. How’s that for multi-tasking?

And at her core, Chloe Jackman Photography just gets the APWers. She says,gallakjoler
Plus size dresses “I love the APW community because it is full of people who love, appreciate and understand that what I am is an artist. They are ready and willing to go on a creative journey with me and know that means it could get a little crazy. APW nurtures acceptance, and that is something that I really appreciate as the product of interracial parents and someone with friends in the LGBT community. I have seen and experienced my share of injustices in the world and chose to surround my self with people who are open and accepting of others and want to help spread that message. Also! On that note I was in a feminism documentary when I was 16.” (What? Awesome.) She describes herself as, “A vibrant, colorful, enthusiastic, sarcastic, spitfire who promises to make your photography experience exciting and painless,” which nails it. Plus, she started Lovely Me Photography with two girlfriends as a counter culture to Victoria Secrets lingerie twigs. ”Because not everyone deserves to feel beautiful, every woman is.” BAM.

In short, I seriously CANNOT WAIT to see what crazy amazing collaborations you and Chloe Jackman Photography come up with. Her wedding photography rates start at just $2,500 for the Bay Area, plus she travels anywhere, and she’s your photographer for life. Maternity? Kids? Other crazy artistic project? She’s on it! Plus, she’s put together a special package for APWers all over California: $3950 anywhere in California, which includes a 40 page 10×10 Wedding album, DVD of images, Assistant and 50 4×6 prints of photographer’s faves. Y’all? HIT IT.

I’m not married nor engaged but “pre-engaged,” I guess you’d call it, because my boyfriend and I intend to get married at some point when we are ready. No question about it. I just feel that right now we are not ready for personal reasons (nor are our families ready for our marriage).

Except, my boyfriend has been offered an incredible job opportunity abroad! (YAY for him!) He has to make a decision in less than a month and would start in two or three months! We are adamant that we do not want to live apart at all—completely out of the question—but I am adamant that I will not live abroad with him unless we are married. (I don’t want to be the “pushy” girlfriend, but that’s just how I feel.) So we are faced with some tough decisions right now.

My question is:φορεματα

galajurken

if we rush to get married in two to three months so we can live abroad together married (which is one option), would it devastate the process that we have set up for us working towards a life together? I know many couples have faced these sorts of tough decisions where marriage came fast because of approaching life changes. If it came down to getting married right away, I feel that my boyfriend and I will be able to work through our outstanding issues that need to be resolved. However, I fear that rushing into marriage may stress our relationship with our families, my parents especially, who do not seem ready to let us go mostly for the personal reasons that are holding us back from marriage. I imagined our wedding being for our parents to help them recognize our transition into a life together and realize the beauty of our relationship. I don’t know if this would be the case if we married quickly. I wonder how much will these issues affect the outcome of our marriage?

Thanks,
Afraid of Rocky Roads Going Headward

Dear ARRGH,

This is an easy one.

Don’t get married if you’re not ready.

I’m not being flippant or glib;gallakjoler
Plus size dresses it really is that black and white. If you aren’t ready to get married, there’s no reason in this world that is good enough for you to rush into it. In fact, that’s another word that worried me about your email. Not just “not ready,” but also “rush,” and while we’re at it, “unresolved issues.” Those are some scary words used individually, and terrifying when all clumped together. Don’t rush into something like marriage when you aren’t ready. That’s the bottom line.

But, of course, I need to dig further. From your email, it almost sounds like by, “I’m not ready,” what you really mean is, “My parents aren’t ready,” and that, to me, is an entirely different ballgame. Your marriage is your marriage and, while family is important in the process and you want to be sure to maintain good relations without harming any feelings, there will always be some amount of familial transition (and usually, it’s going to be a little tough). Put another way, my dad would never have been ready for me to get married, no matter how awesome my husband is. (He still refuses to acknowledge how he came to have a grandson. Storks and magic and things, I guess.) Whether it’s because you’re moving out of their house for the first time, leaving the old neighborhood for one a bit farther away, or they’re reconciling the fact that they need to share their holidays, parents are sometimes reluctant to let go of their little babies. Sometimes they just need a gentle nudge toward understanding that you’ll be okay, they’ll be okay, and though things are changing out of their control, you’re not falling off the face of the earth. These growing pains happen (not just around weddings), but can help bring you closer as a couple while also helping you feel out your new footing as both “daughter” and “wife.” Your parents, too, are always learning how to understand their ever-evolving roles as parents, protecting without sheltering.

That says, after a big staff discussion (we do that for you ATP question askers!) Meg disagrees a little with me on the family issue. She argues that family issues are issues you’ll need to face for awhile. If your parents say they aren’t ready, and you proceed anyway, you may need to brace yourself for some possible bumpy roads (and hence, thinks if you’re going to do it, great, but you’d better feel personally ready). Keep in mind that when you marry your boyfriend, you’re essentially marrying his family too, and all of the lovely baggage they bring along for the ride. So, that is really something for you to decide. Are your parents being overprotective, unwilling to see their little girl grow-up and move on? Or is their concern something that will cause a problem later down the line, if ignored?

What concerns me a bit about your email is that you seem to pose the question in such a way that only leaves two options: marry early (as discussed, inadvisable if you’re truly not ready), or ask your boyfriend to forgo an amazing career opportunity in favor of a relationship to which neither of you are ready to commit.

So, let’s take a look at the options you’ve negated at the outset. I’m sure you probably have very good reason for crossing them off the list, but let’s revisit just for the sake of argument (and to make this blog post long enough for me to get paid, obviously).

The one option you nixed off the bat was moving abroad without having married first. I agree. Moving (and such a distance, too!) may seem like an entirely huge commitment without the whole marriage thing nailed down. But think about it. You’re asking him to make that same sort of huge commitment by skipping on a big opportunity to stay with you, despite there not being a wedding. I’m not saying that you should move with him, but I think it’s worth weighing why you would expect him to make a concession similar to one you’re unwilling to make yourself. Besides, of the two options, which is the most drastic? Rushing to move somewhere with the guy, or rushing to marry the guy? Both of them are big steps, but one of them comes with a bigger headache if you decide to undo it all.

You also completely threw out the idea of a long-distance relationship.abendkleider

hääpuvut Let’s not sugarcoat it, those are tough. I understand why you’d like to say “no” to that one. But, compared to “rush into marriage” or “ask him to give up his dream” or “break up,” Skype chats and Friday nights alone don’t seem like such a tall order. Bonus, those parents of yours that aren’t convinced you’re ready to be serious about this guy might consider things with a bit more weight when you two go the extra mile (Ha! Mile! Because it’s long distance… I’m here all night, folks!) to stay together while so very far apart.

The important thing here is the gut. If your gut says you’re not ready to be married, don’t do it. If deep down, you think your parents are making valid points, listen to them. And if that same gut still wants to be with this guy, try to find a way to make it work without rushing into something for which you’re not ready. I’m not saying it won’t be tough—it might. But as tough as a rushed, too-soon marriage? Unlikely.

I’ve never passed on a media request to y’all before, but last week, long time reader, friend of a friend, and journalist who’s work I’ve grown to respect tremendously, Virginia Sole-Smith, twittered that she was working on a story about married couples and how they dealt with money. Of course I told her that I’d love to participate, and wanted to pass this along to the rest of you. I know lots of you have a lot to say about the topics of marriage and money, so if you are interested in getting interviewed for a national women’s magazine on the subject, drop Virginia a line (today or tomorrow, she’s on deadline).

Hi APW Community!Quinceanera Dresses
abendkleider

I’m a longtime reader, who has depended on APW to get me through all sorts of wedding planning crises, from invitation addressing etiquette to keeping my last name agita — plus I once fan-stalked Meg at the fabulous New Orleans wedding of our mutual friends. I’m also a magazine writer and have a story where I could really use y’all’s help. Here’s the scoop:

I’m writing a feature for a national women’s magazine about finance and the modern marriage. We’re looking at how couples share (or don’t share!) money these days. Is the joint-checking-only approach history? Are more female primary breadwinners finding themselves in the role-reversal position of giving their husbands a “spending allowance?” How do modern couples figure out (and fight about) how to divvy up shared and person expenses, and how does that change if babies enter the picture? Have you tried more than one approach and found the method that suits you best, or do you think this is an ever-evolving process?

If you’d like to share your story (and both you and your spouse are comfortable being photographed and interviewed about money matters in a national magazine), please email me asap at virginiasolesmith at gmail dot com and include:

Full names and ages for you and your partner
Your occupations
Your town/state
A brief summary of how money works in your modern marriage —festklänningar
Plus size clothing what system you use to manage finances, how well it works for you guys and how figuring out money stuff has impacted your marriage.
Any numbers that you’re comfortable sharing and that are super relevant to your story. (You don’t necessarily need to share your income, though we love being able to give ballpark figures. But if you’re plowing through $25K in credit card debt together, or having to learn to live on a super shoestring budget, those little numbers really help bring the story to life!)
A jpeg photo of you both (just for editorial review purposes)
Emails and phone numbers where you can be reached for follow-up interviews.trouwjurken
Hääpuvut
Thanks so much! xo

It’s Ask Team Practical Friday with Alyssa! To end the week with a bang, today we’re taking on Bachelor and Bachelorette parties, complete with strippers and secrets. Don’t tell us we never tackle the controversial subjects! Because this is a complicated subject, both Alyssa and I wrote our own, slightly different, responses to the question, though we’re mostly in agreement. So, without further ado, let’s dive into the taboo:

Today’s question is from Elizabeth:

A couple my fiance and I are friends with recently got engaged. I’m happy for them, but slightly disturbed that in the same conversation where they announced their engagement they started talking about the bachelor party (and bachelorette party) and the strippers that they’ll have. Though it seems to be taboo, I personally believe that celebrating your impending marriage with your friends by treating it like impending doom and getting drunk AND hot and bothered by a member of the opposite sex that is not your intended seems to imply that you aren’t really ready to get married. They also said that whatever happened at the respective parties must remain a secret to the other, like “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” which seems to allow for all sorts of immoral things to happen. It seems disrespectful of the vows they will take, and of the vows my fiance and I will take, to say, “Well, it doesn’t matter what I do tonight, cause as long as you don’t know what happens, you’ll be there tomorrow.” I’ve read that these parties are supposed to prove to your friends that you’re still one of them, but it seems that this can be done without strippers, and without secrets, though perhaps not without the booze.

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Would it be unfair to ask my fiance not to participate, since I no longer plan to participate in the bachelorette party?

Is there really any good way around this issue at all?Quinceanera Dresses
abendkleider
First, lets start with Alyssa’s point of view:

To answer your questions,

No.

Yes, mostly.

And maybe.

Let’s start off with a little ground rules. I’m going to say a lot of “bachelor” in here, but this advice applies to same sex couples also.

Also, and most importantly, this is not about strippers. SERIOUSLY. Therefore, I am requesting that those of you with strong feelings about strip clubs and strippers (be they positive or negative,) keep them in check as much as possible in the comments, please and thank you. We have women on APW that work in sexual advocacy as well as women who work (or have worked) in strip clubs or in things that easily get confused with strip clubs. Please keep that in mind.

Because, incidentally, this question isn’t really about strip clubs. This is about boundaries.

There is no harm in having feelings about anything. It’s how you act upon them that’s the important part. Your feelings on strip clubs are completely valid. However, it’s the question of whether or not you can ask your fiance not to attend, that’s where things get sticky.

You can absolutely ask him not to go. However, your absence from the bachelorette party shouldn’t automatically indicate his from the bachelor party. You deciding not to attend an event that you didn’t want to go to in the first place, does not mean that he needs to stay home from a similar event. If he asked you not to go to the bachelorette party, then you can ask him not to go to the bachelor party. But you’re really and truly not going because you don’t want to. Yes, your strong feelings for your partner are intertwined in your reasons, but he is not the entire reason.

That being said, yes, you can definitely say,festklänningar
Plus size clothing “I’m seriously uncomfortable with you going to this bachelor party, and I would rather you didn’t.” Then you outline your reasons why. (I can tell from your letter that this isn’t about any kind of worries about infidelity, so make sure you convey that. That might be the first place he goes and it would turn the discussion into something that you never intended.) It’s quite possible he has similar feelings about the party. But maybe he doesn’t. And if you feel strongly about this, then this is a conversation that needs to happen. If even the thought of him going to a strip club makes you shake, makes your stomach hurt or makes you want to sob or yell, it is a valid problem and needs to be discussed. (And you’re not “making a big deal out of nothing.”)

That said, your partner may counter with reasons that he does want to go. And chances are, very few of them will have to do with unclothed ladies. It most likely will be about hanging out with friends at an important event, being a part of the group, not letting them down. And those reasons are just as valid as yours. A bachelor party is seen as a last hurrah, but in actuality it is what you make it. And for your partner, what he makes it may be a chance to hang out with his friends at an event that is important to them – their bachelor/bachelorette party.

[Note: I'm gonna be honest here. 90% of bachelor/bachelorette parties that go out with the intention of having an EPIC TIME end the same way: everybody, hyped up on their friendship, drunk on cheap well drinks and missing about 20% more of their cash than they intended to spend, standing in the parking lot watching as the betrothed ralphs up their tennies. (That's vomiting, for you more classy folks.) The reason they have to make that secret pact, if people found out what really went on, everyone would realize how lame they are.]

And here’s the other thing. “It seems disrespectful of the vows they will take, and of the vows my fiance and I will take…” Your vows have nothing to do with the other couple’s vows and their relationship has nothing to do with yours. Some people think bachelor parties need boobies and peen. Some don’t. To each his (or her) own. A bachelor party can most certainly happen without strip clubs or secrets, but this one isn’t. That does not mean that you and your partner need to keep the party’s events secret. So have the discussion. In the end, it’s his decision that he’ll have to make and he’ll have to deal with the ramifications with you – if there are any. This may not even be an issue, he might be feeling the same way that you do. (It is my personal opinion that most men and women like the IDEA of a strip club rather than the reality.) Your objections may be all he needs to say, “Nope, not a good idea, I’ll meet y’all for dinner and you can go to the club without me after.”

And if he doesn’t feel the same way and decides to go, well, this won’t be the last time you two will have definite difference of opinions on choices the other one will make. Figure out how strongly you object (without friends, family or even me swaying you) and then go from there. You’ll work it out and be better for it.

Now, Meg’s Point of Veiw:

First of all, let me start out by saying I agree with Alyssa. Check, check, check. But I want to add something else to this conversation: the idea of discussing and defining what your sexual boundaries are in your relationship.

Strip clubs can be a little scary,trouwjurken
Hääpuvut and complicated. They touch on a lot of powerful subjects like feminism, and sex work, our personal definitions of monogamy, and well, our fundamental ideas about sex. And as such, talking about strip clubs means talking about your sexual rules and boundaries within your relationship, which can be scary as sh*t, but necessary.

First up, your rules do not have to be the same as anyone elses rules. Your friends are not doing anything immoral, or disrespecting their vows, as long as they are respecting each other. They could agree to go to Vegas and each hire a hooker, and it would be none of your business. What is your business is what ground rules you set with your partner.

And that means a conversation. You’re uncomfortable with strip clubs, that much is clear. You need to figure out exactly why that is, and then start a conversation with your partner about it. That does not mean you get to tell your partner what he thinks about strip clubs. That means you get to ask him what he thinks and why. And that might mean, “I get really turned on by naked ladies that are not my wife,” and if that’s the case, it is not your job to tell him that is not an acceptable sexual urge. It’s your job to talk about it, and start to come to an understanding of what each of your sexual needs are, and where you are going to set your personal sexual boundaries.

And for everyone else, I’m assigning some APW sexual boundary homework: have a good long read through Dan Savage’s archives. If you’re exploring your feelings about strip clubs (or just want a really good read) I reccomend the excellent Strip City, by Lilly Burana.

Good luck, and brave talking.

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